That never happens!

My boyfriend and I have this little game we play. Well, it’s not really a game, since we don’t keep score and there’s no winner. So maybe it’s more accurate to say my boyfriend and I have a thing we do, and we call it That Never Happens In A Romance Novel.

Here's how it started: a while back we were having sex, and things were hot and sweaty and progressing very nicely, when all of the sudden I got a hip cramp. Like, a big one, and it hurt a lot, so my chant of “ooh yes baby” turned into “ow, shit, get off me!”, and my hands, which had been clinging to his shoulders, suddenly pushed him away. Caught off guard, he went flying backwards – off the bed and into the nightstand.

So the sexy times had to stop for a bit – for me to stretch the cramp out of my hip, and for him to put everything back on the nightstand. And I remarked as I watched him put a new light bulb in the now slightly bent lamp, “You know, stuff like this never happens in a romance novel.”

So that’s how it started, and now it’s like a game – or rather, a thing – where we try to point out the million little things that happen in real life relationships that never or rarely seem to make it into a romance novel. For instance:

• Instead of cuddling up and going right to sleep after sex, having to get up to pee lest you get a UTI – or sometimes because you just have to pee.
  
  
• The need for a towel. Mind you, this is only necessary if condoms aren’t involved, and thankfully most romance novels portray characters practicing safe sex…but still, in real life, there are wet spots, people!
  
  
• When the woman is on top and leans down to kiss her guy, and instead gets a mouth full of her own hair.
  
  
• And speaking of hair, I have two words for you - fuck hair.
  
  
• Lost orgasm – you know what I mean, when you’re on the right path and you think you’re almost there, it’s close enough you can almost reach out and grab it, and then….gone. And you try to, but you just can’t get it back.
  
  
• Being too tired for sex.
  
  
• Forgetting to shave your legs or underarms so you come to bed fuzzy and/or bristly – I swear, every woman has done this at least once.
  
  
• Yeast infections!

And I’m sure there are a million more.

Now, as a writer and a reader, I certainly understand that some things are just a little too real - like farting. I really don't ever want to be reading a sex scene and run across something like this:

Suddenly, a sound rent the air, and Miriam was jolted out of her blissful haze. There was a grimace on Jeff's face, his cheeks growing ruddy with embarrassment, and she realized what had happened.

He avoided her gaze, never pausing in his thrusting, obviously hoping the gaff would go unnoticed. But a moment later, as a fetid stench filled the room, they both realized that would be impossible.

That, boys and girls, just ain't sexy. And while romance novel sex can be a lot of things - funny, sweet, loving, intense, dramatic, silly - it should always be sexy.

But I do like a certain amount of reality in my books – the ones I read and the ones I write. I like to see the characters as real people. I want them to have flaws, and quirks, to bicker and be unreasonable. That's what makes them real to me, and what makes the story interesting. You can have the greatest sex scene ever written, but I'm not interested in the people who are having it, it might as well be a copy of Penthouse Letters - after the scene is over, I'm not going to care much what happens.

So I always try to inject a little reality into the fictional relationships I craft - I think it adds dimension to the characters, and by extension the story. But I don’t think I’ll give any of my characters a yeast infection. That might be a bit too much reality, even for me.

~ Have something to add to the list of things That Never Happen In A Romance Novel? Leave a comment!~